The boys arrive back at Bud’s Pasadena home, loudly. Storm into the kitchen and grab Monk, wrestle him onto the kitchen table. Bud preps for surgery, washes hands in sink with fanfare. Monk stops struggling, overpowered by Nel and Kent. Bilge pretends to be Bud’s nurse.
Bud – Nurse! Scalpel! Stat!
Bilge searches through a drawer.
Bilge – Where’s that sharp knife. (Pulls out spatula). Aunt Jemima Treatment, doctor?
Bud – No, I’m afraid this is a much more serious case.
Bilge pulls biggest knife out of a knife holder on the kitchen island and presents it to Bud.
Bud - (shaking head) No.
Bud examines Monk’s package pensively, hand on chin.
Bud – Hmm…yes, yes.
Nel (still holding Monk’s legs while Kent has Monk’s arms) – What’s your diagnosis, doctor?
Bud – It’s a very rare case, but I’ve seen it before. This man has no balls.
Bilge – The Ball Transplant Procedure, doc?
Bud – I’m afraid so, it’s his only hope.
Bud turns to Kent.
Bud – I’m gonna need the best you got, Cap’n.
Kent – Titleist?
Bud – What else?
Kent – Surlyn or Balata?
Bud – Balata, of course!
Bud looks down at Monk lying on the table.
Bud - Are you sure you're Junior's father?
Bud reaches down to unbuckle Monk’s belt. Monk fights and kicks out his legs from Nel’s grasp, spilling a beer onto his drawings. Monk struggles free, sees what’s happened, tries to shake beer off drawings, but throws the papers down in disgust.
Monk – Goddammit! YOU FUCKING CLOWNS!
He turns and stares down each of them.
Monk – The lot of you. Stupid Fucking Children.
Bud – We were just messin’..
Monk (in Bud’s face) – FUCK YOU!
Bud doesn’t say anything. Monk turns to leave.
Kent – Say it ain’t so, Joe. You don’t mean that…”
Nel – It’s the lack of beer talkin’.
Monk continues walking, heads to front door, opens it. Kent, following, shouts after him.
Kent – You can’t leave!
Monk continues down the front path of the house. Everyone follows.
Bilge (shouting after him) – All the plants will die!
The boys stand on the sidewalk watching as Monk walks away.
Bilge (shouting after him) - Don’t forget to write!
Monk throws up one arm not turning around, halfway down the block.
Nel (shoves Bilge) – Wanker!
The shove pushes him into the shrubbery.
Bilge (to shrubbery) – Baahh. You’re a hedge!
Bilge stands, adjusts himself, then shouts after Bud who is up the path nearly to his front door.
Bilge – Hey, Dr. Snip, these could do with a prune.
Bud – We have people for that.
They all walk inside. Down the street Monk turns the corner.
Inside, Kent picks up guitar, strums on living room couch. Bud takes off all his clothes and dives into the pool. Bilge and Nel go to the kitchen. Bilge picks up and leafs through the soggy pages.
Bilge – Ya’ know, these don’t suck.
Nel (opening beer) – High praise.
Bilge – No, fair dinkum’, we’ve been lookin’ for shit like this. Everyone’s got the next Sponge-fuckin-Bob, and that pufftah Mr. Giggle’s got the world’s knickers twisted. This is better than that.
Nel walks over to look.
Nel – It ain’t Jackson Pollack.
Bilge – Do you mean that in the good way?
Nel – Is there any other?
Nel walks away.
End scene
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